I don’t own a piece of Kate Spade branded merchandise. Not because
the myriad of products to choose from aren’t attractive, as they certainly are,
but because I’ve never been able to rationalize spending larger sums of money
on myself. I tend to wear things into the ground and shop for bargains, but I
can absolutely understand how a beautiful handbag or accessory can make one
feel fabulous, can make the day seem a little bit brighter. I do own a couple
of Anthony Bourdain’s books and have watched countless episodes of his myriad
shows. I fancy myself a pretty good cook and would live vicariously through his
adventures, his words, his love of good food and his wit. Knowing that I may
never get to travel the world, I appreciated his effort at trying to get us to
see our shared humanity and broaden our horizons.
I will not pretend to have any enlightened understanding on
the mental health issues that either Kate Spade or Anthony Bourdain were
dealing with. I’m not going to wax philosophically on suicide and any number of
quaint pieces of bullshit theories that you’ve undoubtedly read over the last
week and will read in the week to come. I will say that if you didn’t think
that the way our country handles mental health issues sucked before, maybe you’ll
open your eyes more to that fact now. Not because of their deaths, but because their
deaths are making more people discuss their struggles and problems with getting
and affording proper treatment.
I would like to say that suicide is not selfish, nor is it a
laughing matter. If you have never had to talk someone you love out of taking their
own life, you should consider yourself lucky. You should also take a moment to
consider how approachable you are if one of your friends or family was
struggling in that way. It’s all well and good to say that you’re there if
someone needs to talk, but you have to do more than offer empty words. You have
to ask specifically how your struggling friend is doing, ask questions about
their well-being, like health, appetite, etc. And then you have to listen. Don’t
talk. Don’t interject with platitudes. If you’ve ever told someone to pull
themselves up by their bootstraps, or that it’s always darkest before the dawn,
or that you can pray mental health issues away, or that your family/job/good
health should be enough to change your mind then that’s why no one has
seriously turned to you for help. You are part of the problem. You are
perpetuating the stigma.
I have discussed in the past that when I was eleven I went
into the bathroom in my family’s home with the full intention of killing
myself. I mixed a variety of things together, toothpaste and ear wax remover,
odds and ends of things in the medicine cabinet. It probably would have resulted
in a stomach ache at worst. But I was done. Done with my father’s anger, the
way he abused my mother and belittled her daily, done with his drinking, the
constant fear and worry. I was done with walking on eggshells, done with his
racism, done with being told that I was just like my mother … stupid, ugly and
nothing. For me, I had an epiphany. If I left, my mother and brother and sister
would still be left with him; they would still suffer and I wouldn’t be able to
be a buffer from the abuse. I dumped the mixture down the drain and went back
to my “childhood.” I have always attributed this to divine intervention, but
that’s my personal belief, so draw no judgements or directions from it.
Suicide is about being done, being exhausted from pretending
and fighting and hoping for something to be different, anything to be different.
It’s not an easily made choice, nor we will be able to understand if we aren’t
directly involved. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention estimates that
there are 123 suicides a day in the United States, although stigma leads to
underreporting, so they estimate the number to be much higher. Their statistics
can be found here, https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/.
Be an advocate for our society, and for those you love, for
real change within our mental health care system. Don’t perpetuate the stigma.
If you’re struggling, try to seek help or someone to talk to who won’t judge.
National Suicide Prevention hotline - 1.800.273.talk
Veteran’s Crisis Line - 1.800.273.8255 press 1
Crisis Text Line - Text
HOME to 741741
