Yet, in the car, I couldn't get past that mile marker. It's not as though I feel some sense of lost possibilities when I hit that age. As long as I have energy and breath, I will do whatever I want to do. A new craft that intrigue me ... I'm trying it. Is that something on the car that I can replace ... let me give it a whirl. When we moved into this house, a small embankment wall beside the driveway was giving way. I pulled the railroad ties out and built a concrete block wall (it's pretty, trust me) to replace it. My point is not to brag, but to say as long as this brain works and the body cooperates, I'll figure out how to do it.
But what I can't wrap my head around is what this life will look like without my babies around me. In seven years, #1 will be 25, #2 will be 22 and #3 will be 15. #1 will probably have figured out what her path in life will be by then. She'll have finished school and might be on her own. #2 will probably have finished school, exploring the world in front of him. #3 will have finished her first draft on the constitution for her banana republic and what the military uniforms will look like. As I've said before, the less I know, the better. Although I do know that undoubtedly, there won't be three little people greeting me at the door. That's the thought I couldn't get out of my head this morning.
I know that if we've done our job, they will reach a point where they can function on their own in this big world. I know that they have to have grown up lives and loves; they can't stay with me forever. I'm not in any hurry for them to prove this ability. My philosophy is you have plenty of time to do it all on your own, enjoy this time now - read and write as much as you want, teach yourself hobbies and crafts, learn who you are. I'll feed you for as long as you want to eat my cooking.
My mother used to say that she never understood the moms that used to be ecstatic at the start of school. She always cried on our first day. She would say, if you don't like having your kids around, why did you have them at all. My kids are some of the best people I know on this planet. Sure, sometimes I take extra time when I run errands or 10 minutes more in the bathroom with the door locked - mama needs a break, too - but otherwise I'd rather spend time with them. I'm partial since they're half me, but they are incredible humans, simply marvelous. Theoretically, when they've moved out, I'm supposed to live for me, but that feels foreign, unnatural. Certainly, I'll be told that I'll adjust, but I haven't adjusted to mom's death after eight years, so I'm not thinking it's in the cards.
Today is my youngest niece's birthday; my brother's youngest. She is a glorious 1 year of age. Her middle name is mom's name, Laurel. I can write it, but I can't utter it without crying. Looking at pictures of her today online was happy making. It made me glad for my brother that he has a long time before their house will be empty.