Tuesday, April 14, 2015


     I've been thinking about control a lot lately, and our perception of how much we really have in this big beautiful world. I've always wanted to be in control, to make it appear to everyone around me that I was solid and on track. Don't misunderstand being in control with being controlling, as some of my family has believed over the years.  Yes, I have opinions, strong ones at that, and yes I am persuasive in getting my point across, but that's because I'm frequently right - and if you've known me for a long time, you know that to be true.  I've also wanted to approach this concept apart from my religious beliefs, look at my perception of control separately from divine plan.
     When I was a little girl, my siblings thought I was bossy, some of that was related to time and place, but the rest of it was due to my desire for structure and order.  Being in control has always been equal to being prepared for me.  Know the odds.  Bring that extra pair of underwear.  Calculate everything your children might need for that camping trip in advance.  Memorize where he drops his belt at the end of the night.
     This thinking served me well for years, made me appear to those around me that I was top of things.  But then you forget a birthday or lock your keys in the car, and suddenly my mind is reeling from the misstep ... this isn't just being out of control, it's early onset Alzheimer's.  I run a tight ship in this old brain of mine. Stay in lockstep or suffer the consequences.  It can be tiring.  Which brings me back to my current train of thought.  I've been spending more time wondering whether or not this control is an illusion.  I believe that Morpheus summed it up best when he said:

     "What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad ... It is all around us.  Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work... when you go to church... when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth ... Like everyone else you were born into bondage.  Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. A prison for your mind."

     I love smart writing, makes me all weak in the knees.  But I digress. Maybe the desire for control, and the presumed ability to attain it, are a deception, an unachievable end game. That inopportune red light impacts your choices hours later whether you realize it or not.  Your doctor says you'll be able to control that lower back pain, until you realize that it's actually dominating your every action.  You craft the public persona for appearances sake to fit into the corporate mold, but it's really their restraints imposed on you to make your paper, booboo.  How often is it us willingly handing over the control?
     I need to think more on this. I welcome your input.

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